Posted by (This post on Depression is a continuation of the post Heart Screening for Cardiac Myxomas)
A couple of days have past since my transesophageal echocardiography (TOE). And I’ve had a very hard time not letting the news about my 3rd cardiac myxoma pull me into a world of numbness and grey scaled vision. I am fighting the urge to resist it. Resisting ends in me usually falling in. Nope! I will take the steps needed to be prepared for the descent. My ladder already shouldered I head towards the entrance. More determined than ever that I will climb down on my own terms. Not afraid of what lies below. As well as allowing myself the time necessary to cope with having yet another myxoma and requiring yet another surgery.
My Depression Hole
You might have heard it called the dark hole of depression, I’ll be calling it my depression hole. It’s a scary but yet very familiar place.
My seemingly bottomless pit looks and feels like an old abandoned well shaft – made up of natural stone, which is numbingly cold to the touch. I used to think that the only light source was from the opening at the top. For the longest time the illuminated circle above my head was the size of a pinhead and hardly noticeable. It consistently felt pitch black down here and very oppressive. Leaning against the walls left me cold and numb, which is why I huddled up in the middle. My one and only goal: to get out of here. Desperately wanting and needing color back in my life. Each attempt at free climbing failed though.
As a teenager it felt like I would fall straight into depression. No transition, no forewarning signs. Just bam! I’d hit the ground – flat on my face. It’s never been a place I wanted to be stuck in. I say place because it feels like being cut off from the world around me and like being stuck in a deep and dark hole for an indefinite period of time.
How to succeed at getting out and coping remained a mystery to me for several years. At times I even gave up all hope of ever making it out. The scratch marks along the wall a sore reminder of my unsuccessful attempts. The most challenging parts about being in the depression hole are: that it is home to someone I have since come to call my saboteur; it is also a direct entry way to an even darker part of myself – my dark Abyss. And then there are outside visitors who can be a real challenge to deal with too.
I’m not helpless or powerless down here!
I had to do a lot of hard work, which at times also meant seing a counselor. Eventually I was able to adapt to a mindset which allowed me to take back some control. Rather than seeing my depression hole as a murky and clammy dungeon, I learned that I could view it as my base from where I operated from. I familiarized myself with it as well as the outside visitors, my dark Abyss and my saboteur. I figured out:
- What I needed to be comfortable down here.
- What kind of people I wanted around me during my stay.
- Who in my social network of family and friends I could ask for help.
- What signs to look out for before slipping ever so closely to the rim of the well (so not to fall in).
- That I could use my very own ladder to climb in and out.
- The scratch marks on the wall could be filled in. Making them vanish.
- Where (or rather at what level in the shaft) I am stuck, is dependent on where my focus lies. And where I am stuck has an influence on how much light actually gets in too.
The most important lesson…
…however was that I am not confined to this hole. I can climb out and spend a couple of hours outside. Preferably doing some activity that makes me feel better, mentally and physically. The only catch was that I had to stay connected to my well. The colors I got to see still were greyish but after every visit outside I could differentiate more and more shades of grey. This lead to my second most important realization: I do see colors. I just see them muted but they are there. They might not be as bright and radiant but they can be considered colors nonetheless.
You could say I turned my stone well ‘prison’ into a safe haven to do some soul searching and soul work. I still don‘t like having to climb down there. Although it‘s certainly turned into a better place over the years and it’s become easier to cope with. I try my best not to see depression as a bad thing. Difficult as it can be I choose to see it as a call to work on some unresolved issues as well as a time to take good care of myself.
…I’ve come to talk with you again
My ladder shouldered I approached the ledge and heeded the call of my dark Abyss. I knew there was a lot of work ahead of me. This time however I was ready. I would not fall in and I would not concern myself with what my saboteur or anyone else had to say. And most importantly, my needs would have to come first. No more pouring from an empty cup. As I extended my ladder into the well shaft I could feel someone take hold of it below. I knew it to be my saboteur. Eager to welcome me back into her home.
To be continued…
You might also want to read:
- Saboteur
- The Outside Visitors
